Hello.
Hello.
No, I'm saying hello to the listeners.
Oh, OK.
So am I. Oh, OK.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM.
They're filling in for Ricky and Steve.
We're here for the next two hours, aren't we, Adam?
Yes.
I've got a strange echo in my headphones.
Yeah, my headphones weren't working at all, and then our producer Lisa came over and turned them on and they were at full volume.
Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm just gonna take them off.
Really?
Yeah.
Look.
Did you hear that?
That's not the done thing, Adam.
Has everything stopped?
See, I don't know what's going on anymore.
Wow.
Wow.
Is this going to affect your performance?
Yeah, it might do.
Anyway, so hi, we're Adam and Joe.
Here we are filling in for Ricky and Steve on XFM.
Coming up in the show, we've of course got Dis is in the Dock.
We're also going to have another bad accent competition.
We've got prizes to give away, and prizes to give away, and prizes, CDs and DVDs.
Fantastic music from the likes of The Strokes, 50 Cent, Yeah Yeah Yeah, Super Furry Animals, The Libertines, OutKast, the new one from OutKast.
But frankly, we're a bit worried about...
about the show, basically, and the way it's going, because one of the only publications that reviews this show is Heat magazine.
Yeah.
Which is, in fact, I think it's the only publication that actually writes a paragraph about the show.
Right.
Every week.
It's weekly, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yes, it is.
Yes.
And when we started out, I think before we even did our first show, they gave us five red stars.
Yeah, which is, you know, that's- It's very difficult to get in here.
You've got to be a really top-notch program like, say, The Salon to get five red stars.
Or Footballers' Wives.
Yeah.
The five red stars are reserved for the crème de la crème of British entertainment.
And we had them, I think before our first show had even gone out, just on sheer potential.
And then I think we held on to them for the second week.
And maybe even the third week.
No, no, you're dreaming.
No, I definitely think we held onto them for three weeks.
I think we only had the five red stars from Heat for the first week.
And I think that was because they... I would contest that.
I think that's because they hadn't heard it.
I'm going to go back home to my Heat, my bound collection of Heat back issues.
What's it bounded?
Are you laughing?
Human flesh.
Human flesh, yes.
The books of the dead.
Yeah.
And I'm going to look back and I'm sure we got five stars from more than a couple of weeks.
But anyway, now we've gone down to four, and there's no explanation in the text of why we went down to four.
You'd expect them to just give one little criticism, so that we could know how we could build things back up again, back to that five-star zenith.
But this week, all they seem to do is go on about how they're waiting for Ricky and Steve to get back, and how long are Ricky and Steve taking to do the Office Christmas special, and...
stuff like that everyone's waiting for ricky and steve to get back listen we don't know when they're coming back you're just gonna have to make do with us for the moment i'm really sorry we thought by this point people would have forgotten about ricky and steve uh they'll never forget about ricky and steve because they were nominated for awards and no but in the context of this radio show no no they never will it's a classic show why do we bother them
Uh, free CDs?
No, we don't even get free CDs, do we?
No.
Let's play some music to help us get over it anyway.
Okay, here's Eminem with Lose Yourself.
This is the clean version, you'll be happy to hear.
Oh, thank gosh for that.
That was a clean comment.
Yeah, that's The Strokes and 12.15.
Is it 12.15?
I've forgotten what time it is on The Strokes record.
Oh, probably 12.15, yeah.
No, 12.51, sorry.
12.51.
Probably 12.51, yeah.
I would have been really early if it had been 12.15.
Yeah.
So now we're gonna do our top three, aren't we, Ad?
Top three.
And this week it's gonna be top three.
Last week it was top three annoying adverts.
We're staying on a sort of TV theme.
And this week it's gonna be top three confusing things we've seen on television this week.
Yeah.
Things that have made us question television, question life.
Just question everything, really.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, I think it's maybe making it sound more exciting than it really is to call it a top three.
I think that's not that exciting, so we can get away with it.
Okay, alright then.
Anyway, I was just, you know, I'm a big fan of cosmetics, skincare products, that kind of thing.
Anything that makes you look young or youthful or maintains your youthful zest.
And I noticed this week that L'Oreal has a new product which actually decreases you.
Decreases what?
You.
Yeah, well obviously that word's got two meanings.
Exactly.
Decreasing.
Ah.
Is it spelt the same?
Yeah.
Ah.
Yeah.
I'm just saying ah.
So they, what, decrease, so have they noticed that, that the word decrease as in to make smaller?
Would be- is the same as- I suppose it would be hyphenated, wouldn't it?
De-hyphenated.
Exactly, decrease.
As in get wrinkles out of your face, is what you're saying, isn't it?
Yeah.
But it's a bad thing, though, isn't it?
To decrease your face.
to remove the creases isn't a bad thing no yeah but to actually to shrink the size of the face is bad yeah so what you're saying you can't be sure which of those two things this product does yeah de-wrinkle or just make your face smaller decrease to decrease your face yeah well anyway i'm not so worried because i guess from their point of view actually if your face did get smaller that would be good because it would it would get rid of the wrinkles because it would tighten up
this is confusing already so this is a this is an advert you saw yeah and it reminded me of the conversation we had last week about about the micra and the special new speak micro yeah the very annoying campaign inventing new words for example uh spacious and safe spafe yeah uh anyway so they they've kind of invented a new word or maybe it's not invented but it's the the one of the ingredients in the decreasing cream is called boswellox
Boswellox.
Like Boswellox.
Bosley from Charlie's Angels.
Yeah.
Uh, combined with an ox.
Or combined with a word for testicles.
Exactly.
I think really that's what it reminds me of most and surely that's- I mean I thought maybe it was- It does sound very very- you can't say that word can you?
The B word.
It seems strange that you can't say it because it's the sort of word farmers would use.
Yeah.
It's a sort of healthy word.
Well can we say- What about bollocks?
That's a different thing.
That's just with one L. What about... That's like Botox.
What about Bullocks?
Yeah, Bullocks.
Let's say Bullocks.
We'll just say Bullocks.
Anyway, so Boswellocks sounds... It sounds very like Bullocks.
Very like Bullocks.
Which in turn sounds very like Booooooollocks.
Booooooollocks.
Botox.
And I looked it up on the website just to see that it was a real thing.
Well done.
You notice I call it just the website.
I don't go anywhere with sort of saying the interwebs.
I like calling it the interesting net.
Don't do that.
I don't like people who just make up crazy names for it like they're afraid of technology.
It's like people who call computers the confuser.
Boot up the confuser.
Anyway, stick on the subject.
Boswellox.
It's a breakthrough fighter complex created by L'Oreal Paris that combines a power dose of Boswellia serata extract and manganese, which help reduce the appearance of lines caused by facial micro-contractions.
OK.
Go through that once more.
Boswell Arx is a breakthrough phytocomplex.
OK, stop there.
A breakthrough phytocomplex.
Haven't you ever heard of phytocomplexes?
Phyto.
F-I-G-H-T-O.
P-H-Y-T-O.
What does that mean?
Phyto.
What's a phytocomplex?
I was imagining a sort of Second World War squadron in miniature.
Yeah.
That you'd rub onto your face like about 40 well-trained young lads made very small and into a cream.
Phytocomplex.
Yeah.
We're mobilizing the phyto complex on the eastern cheek.
But it's not even spelt with an F. No, no.
Phyto?
That's why it's very scientific.
If you spelt it with an F, it wouldn't actually be scientific.
Other ingredients contained within this product, lepanite, or lapanite, it forms a continuous network to support the smoothing fibres and help enhance the optical reduction of skin imperfections.
help enhance the optical reduction so it enhances a reduction no it helps it helps it does so it doesn't actually do it but it helps it helps to enhance the optical reduction which is say contradiction in terms isn't it in a way to enhance to help i'm confused it's very confusing i feel i thought maybe about the whole complex that may be the uh ad rather than that perhaps a new uh step in a kind of honest
direction for L'Oreal you know a bit like in crazy people you remember when the Dudley Moore film yeah when Dudley Moore gets mental patients to come up with advertising slogans that tell the truth about the products they're selling yeah in this case it's a cream that actually makes you look younger sounds like Boswell ox well it is you get it
it's a it's Boswell ox what no I'm so confused oh I'm confused as well anyway that's number one in our confusing things we've seen on TV this week no hang on that's number three is it yeah well I can't start with number one I'm thinking of three dramatic structure
Nobody knows my troubles but God Don't nobody knows my troubles but God
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
We're talking about the most confusing things we've seen on television this week.
We've built them into a top three.
We've done number three, which was Boswellox, the exciting new chemical that helps to what?
It enhances reduction.
It helps.
It's a phytocomplex and it helps reduce the appearance of lines and it also helps to enhance the optical reduction of skin imperfections.
That was at number three.
Now we're going to do our number two most confusing thing, but before we do that, you can obviously email us here at xfm, adamandjoandxfm.co.uk, and Paul Brownie's emailed in saying that there's a new...
advert for a drink called Oasis on the side of a bus and this is we were talking about this last week about this new trend in advertising to conjoin words to create new words like they do with the Nissan Micra and he says an advert that says Oasis is so new and improved it's new proved.
That's rubbish.
That's terrible but this is really proving that that our theory is right that this really is the new emergent trend in advertising forming annoying new words trying to make people speak a product relate a new product related language
That's something that we used to do.
That's something everyone does when they're young, isn't it?
That's what's so insidious about it.
They take things that are genuinely fun to do in your own time and company and then they plaster them all over buses.
And ruin them.
And ruin them.
How about number two confusing thing you've seen this week?
Number two confusing thing I've seen this week is quite an obvious one, but basically it's the Ben Affleck Hair shampoo advert what not is it for L'Oreal?
I think it's another L'Oreal product.
They're the number one Generators of confusing advertising campaigns and generally depressing rubbish on telly even though of course the products may well be excellent mmm I'm sure they are excellent full of magnesium and fighting
Anyway, what's confusing you about Affleck?
Well, you've seen this ad, haven't you?
Yeah, he's kind of taking the mick, isn't he?
Well, there's a lot of confusing things about this ad.
His face is confusing.
His face is getting thinner on top and fatter on the bottom.
Other people have observed this.
Will you remind me what happens in the ad?
He is in the L'Oreal lab.
and his hair is being tested scientifically by beautiful ladies.
The love lab.
The love lab.
And it may be the, is it Le Jardin du Max Factor?
Or is that outside the window?
That's just outside.
Yeah.
It's Le Boroteur Garnier, prêt du Le Jardin du Max Factor.
Just off the Champs-Élysées.
Imagine if you were a scientist and you actually got a job in the Max Factor laboratory.
Could you go to Paris and ask for where Le Jardin du Max Factor is?
Yeah.
Is it open to the public?
No, only Jane Seymour's allowed in, no one else.
It's probably been vandalised.
Like Le Jardin de Blue Peter.
So what does Affleck do?
Stick to the point.
Affleck gets his hair tugged by beautiful women.
Yes.
And I should have transcribed this advert, but I haven't.
And it's something to do with his hair being strong and he wants to keep it.
He doesn't want it to fall out.
And as a result, he uses this stupid advert.
But instead of saying, here comes the science bit, he just says, here comes the science.
That's kind of hip-hoppy, isn't it?
Yeah, because, exactly, because something about saying bit is for the ladies.
Right.
That's the sort of thing a girl would say.
Here comes the science bit.
Yes.
Who are the ladies who say that?
Is it Aniston?
Uh, Aniston, yeah.
Or Courtney Cox, one of those terrible, lovely ladies.
Uh, Aniston is the chief offender.
Aniston.
So it's more masculine just to say here comes the science, because you're right, it's like dropping science, it's like hip-hop.
But the most confusing thing about this whole advert campaign is why.
Why?
Why would Ben Affleck do that?
Why would he do it?
Are you joking?
What possible reason is there for Affleck?
Well, the money... Yeah, but how much money does a man need?
Oh, what's your aff... He's insane with power.
He's drunk with power.
Surely you have... When you make a decision like that, you have to weigh up your public image, which with Affleck is suffering already.
He can't be blind to the fact that his integrity stock is very low after a series of appalling films, climaxing in Giggly or Jiggly or whatever this terrible flop is.
And now this is very bad.
He's taken very bad advice to do this advert.
No.
And the money cannot be worth the damage it's going to do to his career.
It doesn't matter.
That's what is confusing to me.
What happens?
Do you not understand fame dynamics?
Well you keep saying this every time we get offered an ad.
What?
Just do it.
Yeah, because the thing is, if you accumulate enough money, then you can completely cut yourself off from reality and not have to suspect anything like that.
Yeah, but you're not cutting yourself off from reality.
You're putting yourselves in people's homes, having your hair tied by models and being a prat.
That sounds good, you see, the way you said it.
That's attractive to me.
Anyway, it's an interesting debate.
We're going to tell you our number one most confusing thing we've seen on TV this week after these messages.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Keeping up with Adam and Joe That's Travis and Reoffending listening to Adam and Joe on XFN
And now it's time for our countdown.
I was gonna do the voice but I can't do it.
We're counting down our top three confusing things we've seen on television this week.
At number three it's been Boswellox.
Boswellox the confusing L'Oreal product which supposedly decreases your face.
What does that mean L'Oreal?
At number two...
Uh, what was number two?
Ben Affleck's, uh, L'Oreal.
I had number two Ben Affleck's L'Oreal advert.
Well, that's too late, because it's finished.
That was a disaster.
It was a total disaster.
What's at number one?
At number one... Oh.
I was gonna line the thing up, but I couldn't do it in time.
Uh, what is at number one?
Well, we're not gonna tell people until after the next record, right?
No, no, no, let's tell them now.
Tell them now?
I think they've hung on for long enough.
Come on, tell them.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Come on, don't build it up anymore, because people are gonna be disappointed.
Well, the number one most confusing thing I've seen on television this week is the advert for the remote control car that you get.
You subscribe to the magazine and you get little bits of the remote control car every month.
And it's a very good advert because it starts with, this is a nice car, were it to be a real car and the size of a real car and not plastic and rubbish, it would be a really nice car.
So it starts with the camera on the ground and this really nice Porsche racing car jumping over the camera and landing in the mud as if it's a highlight from a rally program.
And then a man's feet step into the frame and you realise the car's no bigger than his boot.
So it's basically, it starts very exciting and decreases into just depressing this advert.
And by the end you realise it's a magazine all about the remote control car and you get sort of four cogs per issue.
And the confu- I mean, this may be totally obvious to everybody else, but this is the worst, the most stupid possible way of acquiring a remote control car in the world, isn't it?
You can't think of a- you can think of a worse way.
I want a remote control car.
Well, why don't you get it?
Cog by cog sent you in the post over two years.
For £2.99 a month.
Like, who would say yes to that proposition?
A child.
Yeah, but it's taking advantage of the excitement of getting something free attached to a magazine.
Yeah.
That gives something inherent worth, doesn't it?
If you attach anything to a magazine, suddenly it seems as if it's got extra value.
An inflatable picture frame.
Exactly.
It's free, it's exciting.
Yeah.
And just the idea of like, I was thinking of like starting up another magazine that, say, gave away a house that you could live in, but in small installments over, say, 60 years.
Brick by brick.
Not even that, well it would have to be a fragment of a brick.
Well that, it's gonna take 160 years.
Well still, I think people would go for it.
And you wouldn't be as boring as a brick every month.
You'd have a little bit of a fridge.
and the tiny tiny bit of a garden so it would be very evocative next month it would be oh here's the first bit of my last conversion and it would just be a tiny bit of foam but inside the magazine there'd be a huge description about where this tiny cube of foam fits into your final
loft conversion.
This is a really good idea and I might get the people at Dangostini or whoever it is that do the remote control car.
On the phone, let's get them on the phone.
The problem with your idea and these mags in general of course is that I find you, because I think I did one for the human body, I wanted to build up a scale model.
That sounds like a serial killer magazine, a free bit of the human body every month.
Yeah like an ear, bloody ear.
No, it was one of those, you know, the see-through body thing.
Oh, that's right.
It was a sort of Damien Hirst type thing.
You got a see-through body, didn't you?
And then you collected all the muscles and tendons and guts and things.
But the thing is, I just got like a spleen or whatever, and I was waiting for the liver.
And the magazine went bust, the company went bust.
Did it?
Are you sure it didn't just disappear off the shelves?
Because sometimes they sell them in newsagents for the first month, and then they go subscription only.
what happened you gotta subscribe man you've got a subscribe yeah that's the whole thing that's the whole deal that's why they were only two tiny Shakespeare books in the newsagent and I was waiting to build up the whole set yeah suddenly vanished I was waiting for tiny what about the more you get a Morse inspector Morse magazine as well can't you with a free episode of inspector Morse and a whole magazine dedicated to Morse is it tiny no it's a it's a substantial
What's the point?
What's the point?
What's the point if it's not tiny?
What's the quality of the article's gonna be like in that magazine after about six months of publication?
Of Morse?
Of Morse.
Very high, I would imagine.
You reckon?
Yeah, of course.
Well, that's our number one most confusing thing on television, the Dangostini remote control car, um, advert.
And if you've actually subscribed or sent off for that magazine, then please get in touch with us, and we'll arrange to have you put down by a trained vet.
adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros and Coma Girl.
That comes out on October the 6th of this year, which is fantastic.
Really?
Yeah, it's brilliant, isn't it?
Yeah, how convenient.
Exactly.
Ah, it's nice to hear Joe Strummer.
He's one of the people I was genuinely, even though obviously I didn't know him, I was really sad when he died.
Like Freddie Mercury when he died.
I actually felt depressed all day.
Which is quite good for someone that you don't know at all.
The Strummer will be pleased.
The Strummer family will be pleased.
Well, Strummer himself watching us from, uh, Clash Heaven.
Oh, for goodness sake.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Remember, you can email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, on any, uh, with any of your personal emotional or sexual problems.
That would be great.
We should do that.
We should do a problem show.
Did you ever listen to that show on LBC?
Emotional, sexual and marital problems?
All the time.
That was the best.
And now I've got them all.
We used to, yeah.
The problems.
Well now you know what to do surely.
Yeah.
But that was a brilliant show.
We used to listen to that and it was filthy.
Mmm.
And because they could basically talk about anything.
If it's a problem, you're allowed to talk about anything.
Yeah, why can't we do that?
We'll have a chat with our producer about that and then we can really make this show filthy.
We wouldn't give good advice, would we?
Doesn't matter.
You just want to hear the filth and read the filthy letters.
Anyway, we're going to have a competition very soon.
We've got some good prizes this week.
That's not strictly true, is it, Adam?
Yeah.
What do you call the best of MTV's The Tom Green Show?
I know you want to steal that.
OK, that is quite good.
It's got the bum-bum song on it, and I like the bum-bum song.
Hey, speaking of which, can I just bring something up?
Go on, then.
Today, for Ditties in the Dock, which viewers may... viewers.
listeners may know is our competition where we battle to play a record I bought in the Adam and Joe single football the footy song football ball ball ball footy footy footy and our producer says I can't play it and Adam doesn't want me to play it either because it's here Adam reckons I'm winning ditties in the dark by bringing in novelty records and he's bringing in all these cool indie tracks that everyone really wants to hear
And I'm bringing in novelty songs that are wiping the board.
So I bring in the football song.
Ball, ball, ball, footy, footy, footy.
And not only does Adam say he doesn't want me to play it, but Brian says he doesn't want me to play it.
So basically, listeners, if you want to hear Adam and Joe's football song, then please email up or call in.
08700 800 1234.
Just basically let's get enough momentum behind the listeners who might want to hear the football song.
to just shout down Brian the producer and Adam shut up cuz I know you shut up I want to play it you guys want to hear it you're right over the whole thing you can't just randomly start stating your case for this thing I want you to shut nobody it's not gonna be part of dishes in the dark listen to this is gonna play it just stop talking listen to this oh wait 700 800 1 2 3 4
Listen to this, OK?
Listen, no!
Stop that.
Adam and Joe's football song.
Brian, the producer, can you do something?
You don't want to hear this indie rubbish.
OK.
You want a funny song about football?
Seriously, shut up now.
On a Saturday afternoon.
Can we carry on now with the programme?
You have the power to just bring in a record, why don't you?
I'll tell you what, I'll do that.
Yeah, correct.
OK, now it's time for a competition and it is a bad accent competition.
We have this every week.
Joe, when you behave, you can have your microphone back.
And who is this is the question.
It's an American actor doing an English accent quite badly.
You have to tell us who the actor is and what the film is.
This is the first of several clues.
But if you can get it on this clue alone,
we'll be pretty impressed and you'll win lots of good stuff we've got ross noble tickets to give away it's a fantastic show that's been getting amazing reviews and the tickets could be yours if you can tell us who this is i doubted everything even my mind i was impotent with fear
Who is that?
Shall we have one more?
Are you ready to rejoin Society, Joe Cornish?
No, I'm sulking.
Well, you sh- don't- how- how- why would you be sulking?
You just sort of had a complete mental break just then.
I need to hear some sort of a- of a novelty football song to cheer me up.
Okay.
Now, see, I'm gonna fade you down if you do that again.
Here- here's the voice again.
Listen.
I doubted everything, even my mind.
I was impotent with fear.
OK, so the number is 08700-800-1234 or you can email at adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
You're listening to Adam and Joe here on XFM.
We're filling in for Ricky and Stephen and we're having a lovely time doing it.
Someone's angry about something.
He's angry about nothing.
He's got nothing Joe.
Who wouldn't want to hear a novelty song about football after that?
That's A with nothing.
We've got more fantastic music coming up in the next hour of the program including hits from the likes of the Chemical Brothers, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Muse, Athlete, Libertines, Rolling Stones, The Darkness, Super Furry Animals, Keys of Leon.
The great music just keeps on coming here on XFM where Adam and Joe filling in for Ricky and Steve.
competition at competition yeah of course very exciting lot of correct answers to our competition this week let's just remind you of that mystery American accent who's doing the accent what is the film here's another different clip for you oh I've pressed the wrong button okay here we go here we go
I've seen many strange things already.
Bloody wolves chasing me through some blue inferno!
For some blue inferno!
Bloody hell!
Blue like wolves!
Most definitely, English!
Bloody wolves chasing me through some blue inferno!
There's no doo-doo-doo-doot!
Okay, here's another little clip, though.
I can't get enough of this one personally.
I brought him down to Carfax Abbey.
Because that's how English people speak in here.
Yes it has.
Carfax Abbey.
Yes it has.
He's most definitely English.
Carfax Abbey.
Okay, so let's take some callers and see if anyone's got the answer right.
Caller number one is Cecilia.
Hello Cecilia.
Hello.
How are you doing?
I'm well.
Well, you sound bored.
I don't know well.
It's just that's... What are you up to Cecilia?
I'm going to Cornwall.
Oh, you're in your car?
No, I'm sitting at home.
Why say you're not going to Cornwall?
You're about to go to Cornwall.
About, yeah.
Are you going on holiday?
No, just for the day.
Just for the day?
That's a very long way.
Yeah.
I know.
I'm hoping to stay the night and then maybe come back tomorrow.
You're hoping to stay the night.
Might they not let you?
They probably will.
The authorities in Cornwall.
Anyway, Cecilia, let's cut to the chase.
What was the film?
Who was the actor?
Richard E. Grant, I think.
And what film was it?
Just name any Richard E Grant film.
You don't have anything.
Jack and Sarah, that's it.
Jack and Sarah.
Richard E Grant, a British actor.
Jack and Sarah, a film set in Britain.
Incorrect.
Cecilia, thank you so much for your call.
You get a weekend in Cornwall and you get permission officially to stay the night.
I'll tell you what, Cecilia, because you sound like a nice person, we're going to give you a big CD of club anthems.
Oh, don't give her that.
That's an insult to Cecilia.
You said she sounded like a nice person and now you're giving her that.
Joe, will you just shut up?
She sounds, she likes it.
Club Island, Summer 2003.
All right.
Thank you for calling, Cecilia.
Have a great weekend in Cornwall.
Bye.
Thanks, Cecilia.
Okay, incorrect though.
Richard, are you there?
Yeah, can I change my answer, please?
Oh, Richard, no, you cannot.
No, you cannot.
No, you're not changing the answer.
What was your answer that you told us?
Er, indeed, you're on.
Ha, ha, ha.
Was it?
Richard, you're all over the place.
Our producer is saying that that's not the original answer you phoned in with.
Okay, fair enough.
It was Matt Damon.
Matt Damon.
Matt Damon in which film?
Er, in Jack and Sarah.
Matt Damon in Jack and Sarah.
Richard, what do you do for a living, Richard?
I'm a central heating surveyor.
Oh, really?
Well, Richard, I hope you're a better central heating surveyor than you are a purveyor of the knowledge of films, because I'm afraid you're completely off base for that.
A knowledge of films purveyor.
Yeah.
Listen, thanks a lot for calling in, though.
We really appreciate it.
I bet you Damon does a bad British accent.
Has he done a British accent?
Did he do one in Talented Mr Ripley?
No, he was American.
No, he was American.
I don't think he's straight on to British soil accent-wise.
I wish he would.
Katie, are you there?
How you doing?
I'm good, thank you.
And yourself?
Yeah, very good.
Nice to hear from you.
Thanks a lot for calling in.
Are you in your kitchen, Katie?
I'm in the lounge.
Are you in the lounge?
I thought I recognised the acoustics of a kitchen.
Is there a lot of plastic surfaces in your lounge?
No, there's nothing.
Really?
I've just moved in.
You've just moved in, that's why it's echoey, you see there in my room mistake.
Katie, what do you think is the answer?
Who was the actor?
Shall we just have one more listen, actually, before...
before we reveal the answer.
And here is that accent once again.
I've seen many strange things already.
Bloody wolves chasing me through some blue inferno.
Bloody wolves chasing me through some blue inferno.
So who was it, Katie?
Keanu Reeves?
Yes.
What was the film though?
Uh, Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Absolutely right.
You're right.
Yeah, correct.
Congratulations, Katie.
That's fantastic.
You have won... What's she won?
You've won tickets to go and see Ross Noble.
Wow.
Are you a Ross Noble fan?
Yes.
Yeah, that's... Of course, everyone is.
This show's supposed to be very, very good.
Everyone likes to laugh.
Everyone likes some madcap buffoonery every now and again, and that's exactly what you're gonna get from Noble.
No, it's a great show and I really hope you enjoy it.
Plus, we'll bung you a few CDs and stuff and that kind of thing.
I hope your new house goes well.
Hope you don't break it.
Thanks for calling, Katie.
Thanks a lot.
We really appreciate it.
And here as a little extra prezi for you, we're going to give you another great moment from that film.
Bram Stoker's Dracula, of course, is what it was.
And this is a bit of Gary Oldman, one of my favorite over actors.
And this is him in the title role just acting his...
hear it, come on.
He's acting so much you can hardly understand what he's saying.
Wow, that's so powerful.
I want to hear it again.
Where is it?
He's fantastic.
And actually, if you get the Dracula DVD, there's an amazing documentary which shows you lots of behind the scenes stuff.
And Oldman reveals many of his acting techniques.
When he wants to get into the zone for an emotional scene, he's got a little book of photographs of him and his son, and he just flicks through them and he gets all sad.
And then he's in the zone and he can do the acting.
And he carries it around with him and he shows you the book and stuff.
And he stands there, he's on set, in his crazy costume, like flicking through pictures of his... him and his son.
It's a very sad sight.
But he's an amazing actor.
Listen to them.
The children of the night.
What sweet music they make.
He's not even saying... Is he trying to say children of the night?
The triliphadin of the night.
Yeah, that's sympathy for the Devil remixed by the Neptunes for Al Williams and Chad Hugo.
Is that out already?
I think that's out, yeah.
I like that.
I enjoy it.
It's an interesting- you could write a little thesis on- on, you know, the Rolling Stones being influenced by black music and then, uh, there you go, black music reclaiming the Rolling Stones.
I'm working on a thesis.
That would be a fascinating thesis.
Can you send me a copy?
No.
OK, and before that you heard The Darkness with I Believe in a Thing Called Love.
You're tuned to XFM 104.9 where Adam and Joe are just filling in for Ricky and Steve.
Yeah, don't worry, we won't be around for that long.
No, we're gonna get fired pretty soon, I would say.
So you've had some strange phone calls this weekend.
Not strange, just annoying.
What sort of phone calls?
You never get these, you're sat at home...
This is assuming that you don't go to work and do a proper job.
You're sat at home, you're watching Des and Mel in the afternoon, and the phone rings and you think, ooh, phone call.
Exciting.
So you pick it up.
Hello?
And this is already quite a disturbing insight into your life.
Come on, I know for a fact that your life is the same.
You watch Des and Mel.
Sometimes.
I try not to watch for more than ten minutes.
She's lovely, Mel.
Go on, keep talking anyway.
Anyway, so the phone and it's...
uh hello i'm just calling from your mobile phone home insurance company it was yesterday sometimes it'll be i'm just calling from your bank or blah blah blah it'll be the same whoever's calling from wherever and i was wondering if you had a few minutes to discuss some of your details with me and it's though it's those two phrases a few minutes and the word to discuss which send off alarm bells for me because you think a few minutes
I don't know if I have a few minutes, you know?
Because technically, yes, I'm not doing anything.
I'm eating crisps and I'm watching Des and Mel.
But when you say a few minutes, how many minutes is that?
And what does discuss?
It's so vague and creepy.
So, you know, I sort of just say, well, you know, in this occasion, on this occasion rather, I had the actual insurance form in front of me that this guy was talking about and I could see that it was all fine.
So this looks fine.
What did you want to discuss?
It will only take a few minutes, sir.
I just want to discuss the details of the policy with you.
Like, they haven't just heard what you said.
And you say, yeah, but what do you need to discuss?
What are we going to be discussing?
Well, we just need to check the details are all correct, because if there's any discrepancy and we have the old address or something, it may affect the terms of the policy should you need to make a claim.
So far, this sounds like a very reasonable call.
It's not reasonable, because he's just saying that he wants to discuss.
He wants to check the details of your policy.
And I'm telling him he doesn't need to because they're all fine.
He's phoned a weird man who's unemployed and watching Desmel and eating crisps in his pants to discuss the details of your policy.
What does he need to discuss?
You tell me, you're the man.
What do you need to discuss?
The details of your policy.
I want to make sure you haven't changed address.
I haven't.
The details are in front of me, they're all correct.
Well, we're having a discussion now.
I don't want to have a discussion.
I tell you what annoys me.
What?
Well, carry on, is that all you're annoyed about?
Well, then I get annoyed because they start sounding annoyed.
They're like, come on, it's the middle of the afternoon, you're at home, you're obviously watching Des and Mel.
What?
Just talk to me, it's my job.
I don't wanna talk to you, I don't wanna discuss these details with you.
I think that is the definition.
If you're watching Des and Mel, you're basically free for any activity.
Any conceivable activity you're free for.
Anything.
Well, there is an emerging trend of, it's like chuggers, charity muggers in the street who come and ask for your credit card details.
Chuggers, they're called.
They've sort of focused in on the fact that the first thing they say to you is make or break for them.
Whatever they hit you with, whatever line they hit you with, it's gotta get you.
So early in the evolution of drug is they'd hit you with, have you got a minute for the blind?
Right.
Now who hasn't got a minute for the blind?
People have talked about this before, I'm sure.
You know, that's just basically emotional blackmail.
Yeah, when they say like, do you care about people with cancer?
So now they've sort of evolved beyond that and now they just ask you a confusing and ear catching question like if you couldn't see would you be able to negotiate upstairs?
The other day people rang on my doorbell and I think they were Jehovah's Witnesses and they were two gentlemen who said excuse me do you feel that the way people are dressed is influenced by fashion and music?
Woah.
What did you say?
I said I really don't want to answer that question on my doorstep in my pyjamas.
Come in, we'll discuss it.
Well, my hilarious anecdote about Jehovah's Witnesses calling was cut brutally short by that record.
That was Hello Sunshine by Super Furry Animals.
So what happened?
How did you dispatch the guy?
Well, you know, I was going to go on to say that it was lucky that it was cut brutally short by that record because it had no ending.
And I just sort of mumbled on whatever came into my head.
It's something that's happening apart from the invasive phone calls which even though you think I'm mad I do find invasive and I just I just get frustrated by the fact these people are phoning and then they get they get kind of ticked off with you and you don't want to indulge their stupid rambles they've just got a huge long list of people to call
And you're like, no, I don't really want to discuss these pointless details with you because they're all fine.
And then they go all gnarkey.
But the other thing is people are increasingly coming to your actual house to discuss these things with you.
Do you know what I say?
I say, is this a sales call?
Nice.
And they usually go, yes.
At which point I say, well, I'm busy.
Thank you.
Thanks for calling and hang the phone up.
There you go.
My girlfriend gets these calls.
I think my girlfriend, who's probably listening, I think she fills in every single little thing in every magazine and her name's on every mailing list in the world.
She gets everything.
do you have arguments about it no we've never mentioned it before we probably will later today for every catalog going seems to and every charity is after her for money she's on every mailing list basically catalogs Joe tell me about it my girlfriend gets them all they pile up the hole so my girlfriend Annabelle gets calls all the time from people saying hello is is is is I'm gonna give away her for I don't know I'm gonna stop talking about this is too personal
Yeah, well the other thing is that people come to your door, they knock on the door, yeah, and usually the technique I employ is one knock, I won't answer it, right?
Why, because it doesn't show enough enthusiasm?
Yeah, yeah.
one-knot.
I'm just filling you in on how I deal with the people who come around and the reason I only answer after two knocks is Because one guy I used to answer on the first knock all the time, you know and there was a guy who's just broken down around the corner and I've you know, I've bust a fan belt and I just haven't got any money at all and I'm really embarrassed about this But do you think you I live just down the road number 88 you think you could give us?
9 pound 58 and that's what it costs to buy a new fan belt and I'll give it to you right back post it to your door So I'm like, yeah.
Yeah
So I give him a tenner, off he goes, and of course I never saw him again, but I mean, I just- He's got a lovely new fan belt.
Yeah.
Whoever he is.
Do you think he really did buy a fan belt?
Who knows?
Who knows?
Anyway, so that's the reason I only answer after two knocks now, yeah?
Because usually they'll go away, because they'll be trying every house, just one knock, and then they'll, you know, eff off.
But then, um, there's a new strain of personal callers that persevere with the two knocks, so I'm fooled into answering it.
And it'll be, um, some guy like the latest one with some guy asking me why I'd switched from British Gas to N Power.
Oh, this is a very common one, though.
This is covered on Watchdog and stuff.
Has that happened to you?
Yeah, yeah.
No, they're very, very dodgy.
Anybody to do with any power company, you just tell them to go away.
But what is that?
They use underhand methods to get you to switch your supplies.
I've seen it on Watchdog.
You want to stay away from that stuff.
Are they really not from British Gas?
They, well, they could be, yeah, but they use underhats, you know, they employ weird companies to do it who aren't.
It's all, you want to stay away from that sort of thing.
It's just a public information announcement.
How can I stay away from it?
Just don't, you know, anybody trying to switch your electricity supply, stay away.
But I'm worried about, what's the point of this conversation?
What do you mean?
What's the point of any conversation?
Well, I just worry that we've got, like, seven different subjects away from the subject we started out on.
So let's go back to our main subject, which is really good music.
OK, then.
Great music.
Also, later on, we're going to be arguing our cases for our Ditties in the Dark, of course.
As we always say, you know, it's the XFM playlist that we stick to here on this show, and a good thing, too, because it's fantastic.
But we do get one free play each week.
So we'll be arguing our cases for who gets that one free play.
We've both bought in a song.
Obviously, I think mine's the best.
Joe's got some sort of insane suggestions and we'll be revealing them after this.
This is the Carribal Brothers and Hey Boy Hey Girl.
Wow, that was Outkast from their new album Speakerboxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Yeah, they fell out, didn't they?
They did.
But I don't think they did fall out.
They just decided that they had so many ideas on their own, they didn't want to have to compromise their idea for the other person's ideas, so they just did a CD each.
But it says here that they appear on each other's tracks, and they cross-produce, so they produce each other's stuff.
Quite a good way of working, I think.
yeah so i'm excited about that album and uh but i've got a bit of a worry that it might be one of those sort of critics albums it's very tricksy and gimmicky and clever clever and the music press love but no one actually likes to listen to it yeah dizzy rascal um i know exactly what you mean dizzy rascal and uh
Basically any album... Similar to the streets, okay?
This might annoy people, but personally I don't like the streets.
Yeah, well... I think he's a great guy, I think it's fantastic for writing newspaper articles about, but when it comes to actually listening to it, he's not a good rapper, and the loops aren't that good, and basically it's not that good.
yeah well that's very controversial it's very controversial but you know that's that's me controversial cornish controversial cornish i know what you mean because it might be to do with the fact that we're quite old well you might be old i'm 22 uh well i'm i'm much older than you in that case and uh i yeah can't hand out there's no room in my life for music like that dizzy rascal makes me feel threatened and frightened plus it's all so
I just thought, you know, I just need tunes.
Basically, any record that wins the Mercury Prize, you're pretty much guaranteed to listen to once and never again.
Yeah.
Like, uh, what's the one that, uh, Ronnie sighs?
Did you ever, do you ever listen to that album?
No.
Neither do I. You know, and I rushed out and bought it and thought, ooh, yeah, I've got to, got to represent, represent, and I don't think I even made it to the end of it.
Yeah, well, this is what they're saying now, isn't it?
That the Mercury Music Prize is the kiss of death.
Hello, my name's Adam and I'm on the radio!
I've got a lot of things to tell you, you sodom!
Who am I?
A dizzy rascal.
Exactly!
I'm not quite as good as a dizzy rascal.
Yeesh, hello!
Hello!
I wanna buy some sweets!
I wanna buy some sweets and I'm putting up my feet!
You are, you're in trouble there.
What, I'm rapping?
Because you're ridiculing a very important musician.
I'm not ridiculing you.
Who has real problems and is expressing the problems of a real section of the community.
What do you think I've got problems?
Sitting in your pants eating your crisps watching Desert Mail all day, counting your proceeds from the latest adverts.
Sometimes people rip me up and deny me.
You don't know anything about the way real people live in Da Ghetto, do you, Adam?
You don't know the way that Dick and Dom live in Da Bungalow.
I come from Da Bungalow.
I grew up in Da Bungalow.
No one knows what we're talking about because Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow hasn't started yet.
listen i'm from the streets anyway before uh before we started talking about that of course we heard outcast fantastic and we're going to hear from athlete in just a second are they phoning in uh no joe it's just just a record um and after that we are going to be arguing our cases for ditties in the doc are you all set with yours and you just don't use your
Subliminal techniques, just argue a straight case.
I may, I will use them if I want.
All right, we got ditties in the dot coming up after this one from Athlete.
I like Athlete, personally.
Yeah.
I bought that record.
I like that a lot, Athlete.
Well, you know, we... I like Dizzy Roskal as well.
Why were you just slagging him off?
I wasn't slagging him off.
You were.
You were doing a mocking impression of Dizzy Roskal.
Do it again.
My name's Dizzy Roskal and I love it like this!
No, it's just... I'm just envious.
I want a Mercury Prize.
It's Dizzy's In The Dock time here on the Adam and Joe show on XFM.
We're here for another 20 minutes and we're reaching the apex of our programme, which is, of course, Dizzy's In The Dock.
Order!
Thank you.
Well, that was unexpected.
So we have a playlist here at XFM, but we have a single record that we can actually choose from anything we want.
And so we've turned this opportunity into a segment called Dizzies in the Dock, where we argue the case for the song we want to play and you call in and vote for which one gets to be heard.
OK, who wants to go first this week?
I think you should go first this week, Adam.
All right.
Well, our producer thinks you should go first.
Why?
Because you're a cheat.
Yeah, because you are a cheat.
Because I'm a cheat, I think.
Well, it just gives me more opportunities to cheat.
Come on.
Okay, my song for Did It in the Dock this week, ladies and gentlemen, that you can vote on 087008001234 is by Marvellous Marvin Gaye.
He's one of the greatest singers of all time, one of the greatest voices of all time.
I'm a big fan of Marvin Gaye, bit of a Marvin Gaye bore, really.
But this is a wonderful song by Marvin Gaye for a sunny Saturday afternoon.
It's a previously unreleased track released on his greatest hits recently.
It's called Where Are We Going?
And it's the most fantastic, uplifting, tuneful, lovely song with a wonderful little piano hook.
If you haven't heard it before, you'll really get it on the first play.
It'll lift your spirits, it'll lift your day.
0-8-700-800-1234.
Just say Marvin and you will get to hear this.
Fantastic Marvin Gaye track.
He is of course a fascinating guy.
Okay, that's enough.
He smokes a lot of marijuana.
Will you stop my chambers now?
Okay, go on then.
Marvin Gaye, 08700, 800, 1234, just say Marvin.
You don't want, it's much better than the track that you're about to hear described.
Go on then, do your best.
Will you shut up?
Are you gonna choose a Marvin Gaye track song too?
Brian!
You see, because I've dealt with this all my life.
Marvin Gaye.
I want you to sort it out, because it looks personal if I hit him.
It's such a good track.
Seriously, the Marvin Gaye track.
Honestly, please shut up.
You're freaking me out.
You're freaking everybody else out.
I've faded you down on the mic now, OK?
That's cheating.
No.
Shut up and go outside or just read the paper.
Marvin Gaye!
So all you can vote for, the trash men.
Oh, no.
Shut up.
I didn't do that while you were arguing your case.
They're rubbish.
Seriously, man, shut up, otherwise I will, I'll come over there and I'll hit you.
Okay, obviously I won't actually hit you, but I'm, can you hear that I'm getting really genuinely annoyed?
No, what, what's your idea?
Shut up!
This is the trash man I want you guys to vote for, and it's a song called Surfin' Bird.
Everybody's heard about the bird, and it's a fantastic song.
It's a garage classic.
Brian, he's coming over here.
Make him sit down.
Make him sit down.
Don't come here.
I'm arguing my case.
Carry on arguing your case.
This is bad.
Carry on.
I've just come over to Adam's mic because he's turned mine off.
Go away.
uh it's uh yeah it's called surfing bird it was featured in the film Marvin Gaye oh please go away it was featured in the film full metal jacket uh everybody's heard about the bird it's surfing bird so uh the choice is between Marvin Gaye Marvin Gaye surfing bird Marvin Gaye that is coming up next titties in the dock get phoning now we're going to take the first five calls 0 8 700 800 1234 oh well everybody's heard about the bird it's uh
absolute smash of a song.
It's hilarious and it's a cheeky remix as well.
It's the Coppa Tea remix, which I have done especially myself.
Unfortunately, we can't fade Joe up anymore.
And we're back.
Adam and Joe here on XFM.
It's Diddy's in the dock.
Joe, have you calmed down?
Yeah, I was calm all the time.
I didn't do something as rash and frankly immature as turning my mic down, which is one of the cardinal, violating one of the basic understandings of the European Convention of Radio Rights.
It's a basic DJ's right to have a live mic.
Not yours, though.
You're not a DJ.
You're filling in.
You're a fill-in.
Or so are you.
No, I'm not.
I'm driving the desk.
I'm the king.
Driving the desk, is it?
Pressing a on and off button.
Anyway, come on.
Let's take the first five callers and we'll see who is going to win.
Is it the Trashmen or is it Marvin Gaye?
It's got to be Marvin Gaye.
Listen, shut up, man.
They won't call the Trashmen for nothing.
Oh, my God.
You have to shut up, otherwise it's just chaos, all right?
So be quiet.
So we're going to take the first five callers and caller one, are you there?
Is it the Trashmen or Marvin Gaye?
Marvin, definitely.
Thank you, thank you.
One vote for Marvin.
Thank you.
Caller two, are you there?
Trash men or Marvin?
Hello?
Hello, caller two.
Trash men or Marvin?
Marvin.
Oh, thank you, caller two.
Okay, this is the decider.
Caller three, is it trash men or Marvin?
It's trash men.
Trash men is keeping it nice and exciting.
Caller four, trash men or Marvin?
Trash men.
Whoa, it's two all.
This is terrible.
Okay, here's the decider, is it?
The trash men and surfing bird are what everybody's heard about the bird.
The sound of Marvin Gaye.
Trash men or Marvin?
Call a five.
Oh, no!
Was that Trashman?
Trashman, yes.
Oh, yes.
This is terrible.
Thank you very much.
We're going to shed listeners.
you now
Did you understand me for cup of tea?
That's the trash man and surfing bird you voted for it that was this week's ditty in the dock and I feel that you know justice has been done in a small way because basically I have been getting a lot of votes against me for the last few weeks with superior songs and Joe's just been bringing in novelty songs and frankly hectoring the jury with and he's been showboating show standing and using some underhand techniques to get his own way and this week it didn't work
The trash men.
Well, apparently the trash men.
Apparently, genuinely, the vast majority of the calls were for the trash men.
And that just reflects badly on our listeners, who are probably mostly dustbin men.
And that was probably voted for mostly by dustbin men.
No, no, no.
As opposed to mostly gays?
I would be happier with a gay audience than a refuse-collecting audience.
yeah well i mean no disrespect to refuse collectors but they smell not not as nice as gay people uh marvin usually smell nice yeah this is what we're talking about we're talking trash men versus gays
What, as in Marvin Gaye?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He actually put the E on the end of his name to deflect this sort of petty schoolyard.
I'm not being petty.
I'm just saying, I'm saying gay.
That's true.
I'm not implying that he's homosexual.
Even if he was, he's dead, so it's moot.
But anyway, listen, we're going off the point here rather.
That's pretty much it for us this week.
We'll be back with you next week.
And don't forget that you can always email us anytime you want and have some stuff ready for us so that we can see what
He's just emailed us and he even he's voting for the trash man.
There you go.
It's a good song man.
Come on.
It's He's good.
Yeah, if you it's the sort of song that would be played by trap by trash man by garbage man on the thing to say And you put your own voice in it.
Yeah, I said it was the cup of tea remix You dropped in the little sample of yourself.
Yeah, I
to make it more exciting I just thought it was awful well that's just so ungenerous you know because you play your stuff and I think it's quite good I thought it was awful you are so small you're a small man in every way except for your height I thought it was terrible height wise you tower above everyone but mentally you're a small person all right okay so on that bitter note we're gonna say goodbye this week and leave you with this fantastic track
from VEDA.
Thanks for listening, we'll see you next week.
Yeah, God bless you.
Thanks for calling in, thanks for emailing us, we really appreciated it.
Bye.